But.
I got it settled. Sought advice frantically, incorporated many bits of disparate advice and tried to make sense of it all, then negotiated a solution that was actually....exactly what I wanted.
I'm pretty proud of that, though it may have less to do with my negotiating prowess than with the other parties finally screwing their damn heads on straight, but whatever. (People! You are all older and more experienced than I am - why is it always on me to be the goddamn adult around here!?) I will take it, and I will call it a victory for AA getting her grown-up science shit taken care of. That's a good thing.
Meanwhile, I am swamped with manuscript edits (seriously, can we just be done the drafts already? I am ready to effing submit!), and charging up a new project in post-doc lab. Ooof. Counting down the days until I leave for Xmas, that's for sure.
You'd think that would be enough on my plate - but no!!
There are some exciting new opportunities on the horizon which may or may not become something real. I need to do a lot of leg work and make some big decisions to get that off the ground. It will be totally worth it if it works out and I am very, very happy about these possibilities...but also feeling completely emotionally and intellectually drained and just stretched too thin. I don't really trust myself right now to make good decisions about these opportunities because I am running on fumes. Plus, there is still all the uncertainty which doesn't do wonders for my mental stability.
These drained feelings are causing me to question whether I really truly want to keep hacking away at this career path. I love the science.I really really do. But the other crazy that comes with it is killing me. I'd like to take a moment to really sit down and think hard about this stuff, about what I want from my current and future career, and do I really think I can get it like this, and if not like this then how else, but I am not finding the time when I can rarely even manage to put on my underwear right-side-out (not kidding about that one). I want to do that kind of thinking with a clear head, and I just don't have such a thing at the moment.
Hang on, just a few more weeks. A lot to do, but then I can rest.
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8 comments:
I can totally relate to this feeling - lately, I've been questioning my career path as well, and am not feeling fired up about Science. I look at what's ahead after my post-doc - the grants, the teaching, the service, all the million other things PI's do - and frankly, it exhausts me. Just know you're not alone in feeling like this.
Congrats on resolving the unbloggable horror and good luck with the recharging. I myself am ready for a two week break from the lab to spend THINKING about my life/research/etc rather than frantically trying to get it all done. *hugs*
congrats on working out the unbloggable horribleness. I'm sorry that we couldn't be here to help you out.
In regards to needing time to think, I get. In september I just wanted out because I couldn't deal with everything that everything that was going. I was too tired. Thankfully I didn't make any decisions until I had rest and a clear head.
Hang on for the next few weeks. You need the time to think and to think when you're rested. Not exhausted and wanting out, just so you can rest.
I am so feeling the pain. As is apparently everybody. I want to think as well. In July I am no longer a Ph.D. student, so I need to look for post doc positions. But do I want to follow that career path? Problem is: I am not sure this feeling is popping up in any given career. What if I switch and after a year or two three four, the same issues arise. Will I switch again, and again and again???
Actually, you sound really clear-headed in the sense that you're writing about how you're stretched too thin to make the best decisions right now. That shows a lot of self-awareness and wisdom.
But I disagree with the advice to just hang in for a few more weeks. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you have to make time for yourself in your regular schedule.
You can't race from holiday to holiday expecting that to be enough. You have to carve out an hour a day to meditate, breathe, write in a journal, you need that protected time if you want to figure out the answers to these questions in time to make plans according to your needs.
I know it's easy to say and really hard to do. It probably feels impossible when all these things that need to get done, but it's really essential to try to take a step back and get some perspective. Don't wait for vacation to give you permission to relax and clear your head. It's all about quality, not quantity.
MsPhD - you are right, and I do make time for writing, and exercise (some of my best clear-headedness comes when I'm working out). However, I don't feel like it's enough. I need some distance and a few weeks, not a few hours, to think. Racing from holiday to holiday isn't the way to do it - what I would really like is a month long leave of absence but I just can't afford it, so I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
Thanks, for your advice (and everyone else's) - it is appreciated.
Sounds like your checking all the boxes for the 'I'm a badass' runsheet. Go, go AA, I know you can do it!
When you figure out why the "real" adults aren't behaving as such -could you let me know?!
I am glad you could solve the unbloggable mess, and hope you can get some time off. And as previous ppl said, maybe start the new year with a little more time for AA?!
As for the questioning the career path, not sure it's that much better with lots of other jobs either right now though. THere are "short of cash" going a lot. And then you don't have the happy of doing your own research. (What? me having second thoughts about leaving tt? ehh... not 100%, but I miss it at times.)
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