I don't cope with uncertainty very well. Not in the "wheeeee! let's have an adventure sense" - I like adventures. More in the "this is big decision that I need to make and I don't have all the information I need to make it". I'm pretty crap at dealing with that.
I like to have a plan. It is totally fine with me if the plan changes over time, but I need to have one to work from so that I feel like I'm actively making steps and decisions toward the desired outcome.
I'm facing some big (unbloggable) decisions now, and I can't actually make any of them yet. I have to wait, wait, wait on other people to make theirs first. This is killing me.
I am just barely keeping a lid on my internalized anxiety over this right now, and occasionally the lid blows off completely. As you might imagine, this is not a new experience - I have well-developed coping mechanisms. However, my normal coping mechanisms are proving completely ineffectual. I realize in the rational part of my brain that it is completely ridiculous to spend so much energy worrying about something that I can do nothing about at the moment, but that realization is having zero positive effect on the physiological stress I am experiencing.
Unfun.
Plus, the anxiety is exhausting, both physically and mentally. So much so that when faced with the simple daily tasks of editing a manuscript draft or setting up a restriction digest, they sometimes seem completely overwhelming and insurmountable, and sometimes just thinking about doing them is enough to send me over the edge. And this provides a nice little feedback loop for generating further anxiety.
I am seriously considering drugging this problem just so I can stay functional. Just not sure that this is really necessary/a good idea if I know (from previous experience) that I will feel fine once all the other players in this situation make their decisions so I can proceed to make a plan that takes these into account. I'm not sure what the time line for that looks like and I know that things like SSRIs take some time to take effect. Not sure if that's really going to help given the circumstances. In the meantime I'm quitting caffeine, and trying not to over-sedate with EtOH at the end of the day. And working out a lot. And trying to avoid people/situations that feed the beast. Ugh.
About Me
- Ambivalent Academic
- Ambivalence - a state of having emotions of both positive and negative valence or of having thoughts or actions in contradiction with each other, when they are related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something [i.e., grad school, or academia]).
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- Better Half - My sweet and charming significant other, also a very talented scientist.
- DangerDog - My contribution to our fur family. He is adorable and hyper-excitable and would probably be easier to live with if Ritalin were approved for dogs.
- GrAdvisor - My well-meaning PI/graduate advisor. We have our differences, but I can chalk most of them up to disparate communication styles, which makes it easier to live with the fall-out of our communication-fails.
- New PI - So far an awesome mentor. Needs a moniker. Will take suggestions.
- Thing 1 & Thing 2 - BH's cats. Actually, I'm not sure if they really are cats or some alien life forms bent on world domination.
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12 comments:
Hang in there Ambivalent Academic!
I have no idea if you can apply a bit of pressure to speed up the process of others making their decisions, but maybe it is worth investigation if it's making you so distressed? I hope it is all resolved speedily, for your sanity.
I'm with you, not knowing what's going on in the future is tough. Hang in there, distract yourself, and seek meds if you think they will help. xoxo.
I could've written this post, and at this time too. Well put, and not telling unbloggable things. I hope things work out for you! I suck at uncertainty. Someone referred this "problem and solution" as in terms of me as "you're the soldier who rather stand up from the trenches and get shot since at least you decide that". Sad but maybe all to true. I just hate the waiting and knowing there is nothing I can do apart from that.
As for SSRI and/or EtOH, I'd recommend lots and lots of exercise if you have the time to do it. It helps a lot to trigger the body's own mechanisms of feeling anxiety and relaxations. THat said, it might not work for all.... and if SSRI might work, they might be the way better option than EtOH, which tend to lead to long term problems.... just saying...
Hang in there and try and remember that living in the now and now worrying/pondering is sometimes not the best for us. (And I know it sounds hypcritical since I'm the best planner and worst "live in the now person" i know... but saying it out loud repeats it for me too... ) lots of thoughts and hope!!!
Yuck. Is there any super easy, mindless work you can do for now so that you make at least some progress while you're not able to work effectively on more complex tasks? That might at least get you out of the loop a little bit.
Hang in there. Uncertainty and lack of control are real bitches sometimes.
Have you heard the album "Person Pitch" by Panda Bear?
A few tokes can really change one's perspective;)
I find going through this advice somewhat helpful when in the grip of anxiety:
http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm
I also know how uncertainty can wreak havoc - and I want to echo the others sentiments of 'hang in there.' What gets me through it all is staying centred - I do that through 30min of meditation every day. Don't know if it would work for you - but it's how I've gotten through much difficulty.
I hear you with the needing a plan thing. I made myself a little three-year plan over the weekend, and then I went and got it laminated in various sizes so I can put one in my wallet, one in my car, etc. That way, when I start to get all panicky, I can look at it and remind myself that I have goals toward which I'm progressing.
And sometimes I think about medicating (or self-medicating) too. But first I'd like to find a really good therapist. But where does one even start with finding a good therapist, who's not all... icky?
Here, let me solve the problem(s). The answer to your first conundrum is "yes." The answer to your second difficulty is "sometimes; but mostly on weekends and holidays." And the final answer is, "go with your gut and screw the opinion of unimportant people."
In all seriousness, hang in there. I wouldn't get mixed up in SSRIs until you've exhausted all possible solutions. For instance, get into a rigorous exercise routine, incorporate some progressive relaxation techniques and diaphragmatic breathing exercises each morning and night, and eat healthy. These things may sound cliche or silly, but they obliterate stress and are prescribed by most psychologists/psychiatrists/clinicians who actually know what they're doing :-)
I rarely drank even when I wasn't on antidepressants. A single glass of wine, usually consumed as a concession to peer pressure, predictably resulted in days of even more misery and even lower productivity. Additionally, I'd have the pleasure of trying to explain that to the kind of person whose idea of fun was binge drinking every weekend and who thought that defeating depression was entirely a matter of will power and exercise. Fuck. I'd rather be a teetotaler. I've inherited my dad's unsophisticated palate and all alcohol tastes to me like rotting plants anyway.
I like to reassure myself that your depression is not like mine, because you don't have the neurotic mind of a black and Korean Air Force Brat raised amongst censorious white Republicans and equally sympathetic Catholics and prone to borderline autistic behavior. You also don't seem to have the history of incapacitation that I do. So I do not know what I think you should do with regard to medication.
Certainly, exercise helps a lot. Exercise isn't the panacea that the people who scornfully deem antidepressants unnecessary because they don't know any fucking neurobiology/keep contemptibly conflating their own cinematic blues over missing a Friday night out with their 50 friends or getting a B+ during their undergraduate careers at Yale with the clinical depression of someone whose experiences they can't possibly comprehend insist that it is, but it helps a great deal. Maintaining a healthy diet helps a lot, too. I am generally in favor of exercise and healthy diet with medication added as needed when it comes to ameliorating depression and anxiety. So it sounds to me as if you're largely on the right track.
My best friend from college politely informed me last week that I especially suck at dealing with uncertainty. She's right. Plus, I suspect that postdoctoral fellowships are more challenging than graduate school. They are truly a fork in the road. So I have great sympathy for you.
However, I think you are one of those people who excel at overcoming obstacles. I am sure that you will get through this all right. I hope all parties make their decisions and that the situation improves soon.
Dropping by late, sorry. Sounds to me like this is an anxiety problem not a depression problem. I take beta-blockers for the former, my GP says he routinely prescribes them for things like fear of flying or fear of public speaking because they act pretty quickly on the physical symptoms and leave the body pretty quickly. Might be worth asking about?
I have an upper limit per day, and take them as needed - so some days I might take none, days when I am overwhelmed by the sheer complexity of printing out some handouts AND have some kind of social event in the evening I might take my full allocation. The flexibility and sense of control of just having the things with me sometimes helps the anxiety pass, because I know that if I still feel like this in a couple of hours I can STOP it.
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