No huge assaults on my sanity or integrity. No terrible failures. Just a sense of scrambling all day to keep on top of the things that need doing, and a sense at the end of the day that I've been spinning my wheels.
Then there's the lack of weekends. I spent last weekend gutting and reworking TWO
I didn't want to take time away from post-doc lab to work on that, so I did it over the weekend. And I will do it again this weekend...in addition to covering some hugely time-intensive experiments for my fantastic undergrad minion who would ordinarily do all of this really hard work himself, but not this weekend because he will be interviewing for medical school admissions. So proud of him.
And all week I wrangle my schedule to try and solve this completely unfathomable problem with my BigFuckingDeal Experiment, and still provide adequate (I can't hope for good at the moment) guidance to my minion-in-training. I don't want her to flame out for lack of mentorship from me because she is already well on her way to being another second set of hands on my projects.
I am exhausted by all of this, but more than I should be. The weather has finally started to feel like fall (it occurred to me on my walk to work this morning that I could "get away" with wearing actual pants again, instead of shorts), and it is soooo nice. After an interminable summer of rushing from one climate controlled building to the next in order to avoid a heat index well into the 100s, this weather makes me want to play hooky, to run around like a fool in the courtyard outside our building, or to just sit on the deck with a nice Oktoberfest and watch the sun go down.
I haven't done any of those things because there is still too much work to do at work. Instead I come in early and leave well after dark, and feel sad and tired and a tiny bit desperate about that. Then I do it again the next day, and the sadness starts to feel cumulative, and I sit at my desk and try to work up the motivation to actually make a dent in this mountain of work that I need to finish, and instead of doing the work, I wallow. Sometimes I feel like crying, and there is no good reason why. Nothing terrible has happened. I have a little too much to do for my comfort at the moment, but this is nothing compared to the stress I was under in grad school and I was able to hold it down most of the time. Now I just feel kind of helpless and useless and like a bit of a burden to other people. I'm sure that will change some when I get this problem with my experiment sorted out, and when I get these albatrosses off of my neck, but in the meantime, it's hard to make progress on those things when I don't even feel all that functional.
My mom gets seasonal affective disorder. I have always noticed a change in my mood with a change in seasons, but never to this degree. Perhaps it's heritable.
Posts
15 comments:
Wow, you've described my situation entirely, except that I'm a grad student trying to write my first paper, and my advisor's been less than helpful. The crying bits sounds like you're getting burnt out- take care of yourself!
Wow, I can sympathise with so much of this - I am far too familiar with completely unfathomable problems at the moment, and no stranger to having way too much to do at once. It sounds like you are doing nothing but working - no wonder you feel exhausted and depressed and don't feel motivated to start the next thing. We human beings are not designed to function like this! We need breaks from work or we burn out, slow down, become inefficient and make unnecessary mistakes. I know its really hard but I would take some time off and do some of those things you feel like doing. I bet you'll still accomplish just as much in the lab - probably more.
Can you maybe slow down the work on the "albatrosses" and take a half day or whole day for yourself, sitting outside or wherever you want? If you are wallowing at work, it seems like a break, any break, would be helpful. A break, even a small one, like lunch in a park, a hot bath, or (migods!) sleeping in, might allow the solution to the lab problem to come clear in your mind. Sometimes stepping back a little is a good thing. And if feeling useless, make lists of what you accomplish each day, counting every single thing including getting up, getting out the door, etc. And I love the idea of an Oktoberfest, also. :)
Mood disorders are pretty heritable in general, though I don't know the stats for SAD. I'm sure you already know this, but living further away from the equator exacerbates SAD, so if you've moved to a different latitude in the last couple of years it wouldn't be surprising to start having a harder time with the winters.
If you do have seasonal depression, getting some full-spectrum lights might help. I find even an hour under my lamps in the evening helps a lot.
The sadness/exhaustion/etc you describe sound rather like the beginnings of my depressive episodes. This:
I just feel kind of helpless and useless and like a bit of a burden to other people.
is an experience that (for me) is a big flashy warning sign if it persists for more than a couple days (because every time that happens I either take a lot more care to sleep and take my meds or fall into a rather deep depression).
So anyway, my original point when I decided to comment was that if you're just having one of those overstressed times (it sure sounds like you have more than enough on your plate), I hope some of the stress goes away soon! and if you're feeling depressed for more than a couple weeks I hope you'll consider getting checked out even if you don't think you need to, because the really insidious thing about depression is how you can be sick as a dog with it and still be certain that the only problem is with your motivation/discipline/whatever.
I apologize for the novel, especially if it's as off-topic as I hope. I know it's weird for a perfect stranger to pop up and start yammering gratuitous advice like this, but depression has been such a hideous experience for me that I can't hear someone who sounds like they're in my depressed head without wanting to warn them just in case they actually are headed down the same path.
Oh, this sounds familiar. It's as if one's ability to cope with levels of stress is finite, and grad school uses up a lot of it! Can you book a break to go play in the fall weather? Even if it's just an afternoon to go to a park for a walk?
It's definitely at the point where the shortening days are starting the SAD to creep up. Getting up when it's already dark out stinks. It's something my mom deals with as well.
When it really starts to get bad, I will force myself to take a short walk in the middle of the day. I find even 15-20 minutes helps a lot.
Hang in there, hope things get smoother soon!
Yeah, SAD is heritable, but it's not just that.
It's called Postdoc-itis.
I agree with Anon, it's the early stages of Burnout.
Definitely take 1 day off a week and have that beer, run around in the courtyard, clear your head.
If that seems impossible, schedule a week off somewhere far away. That may seem even more impossible, but if you can't figure out how to deal with one day off, it's essential that you get far enough away to reset yourself.
I wish somebody had forced me to take more vacations when I was feeling like you are now. I think it would have made all the difference.
Instead now I'm wallowing in... unemployment. Endless time off. It's your choice. Pay now, or pay later.
Whatever the problem is with your experiment, it can wait a week. The world won't come to an end, nobody will die, and time away will probably give you the creativity you need to figure it out.
And feel free to email me if you want to talk to someone else who has been there.
FWIW, I use a blue light in the mornings when it gets really bad, but nothing beats really sunlight if you can get it. Moving to a new house that gets morning sunlight made an ENORMOUS difference for me.
It also helps to take a break in the afternoon and walk outside, or eat dinner outside and then go back to work later. Fresh air breaks are great for the brain.
Seriously though, take a long weekend somewhere. Do it for the health of your long-term career.
I would guess we all have this exact same line of thought about every 2 weeks or so, no? Running around putting out fires all week and weekend is what grad school and being a professor is all about. What the hell did we get ourselves into?? Great blog by the way!
I've come pretty close to your description a couple of times now, although perhaps not quite as severe. I find that when my life totally becomes my work, then both work and life suffer.
For your sake- get out of the office! I don't know about your preferences, but in the last year or so I finally figured out (it only took me ~10 years...) that I absolutely must have some sort of regular physical activity when I get really worn down like you're describing. To do nothing is to prolong the agony.
Thanks for this post. I feel pretty similarly, as a recent PhD grad who moved to a new city for my postdoc. I'm also trying to figure out how to manage my newfound mental state. Though the depression is sometimes liberating (I no longer care about certain things and, yup, I cry a lot), it's a pain in the ... everything. And it makes it hard to do stuff I think I should be doing. I tell myself it's also a preamble to some other, greater change in my personality and capabilities.
Postdochood has been really lonely. Not a prof, not a grad student, new city and new people. It's shitty but I know it's not permanent.
Anyway, glad I found your post.
You need to find time to take a break for an an afternoon. Burn out is easy to reach especially as a postdoc.
I know it's hard, but try and force yourself to have a bit of a brain-cleaning afternoon break.
Thanks peeps, I'm feeling better now. Still tired but not so down. Albatross #1 is out of my hands for a bit, and only a little more work left on Albatross #2 before it gets to the same point. I always feel a little self-indulgent when I post these sorts of things, like I'm being a big melodramatic whiner about what is, relative to a lot of things, a pretty good life. OTOH, it is helpful for my mental state to say, "this is really how I feel" and stop pretending otherwise for a bit. It is also helpful to have all of chime in with "yeah, we know what that's like" and tell me the things that I know, but have a hard time giving myself permission for. Like taking a break.
I know I need to take a break (and thanks for giving me permission!) so I have planned an out-of-town excursion for the coming weekend. (Which means continuing to work like a mule until Friday so that I can pass off Albatross #2 before I go. So be it.)
Anon @ 11:39 - Welcome to the blog. (Actually, welcome other anons, too.) Hang in there. Postdocing really can be lonely sometimes. I feel you on that. I'm glad that you found this post helpful - take a look through the comments - you are not alone.
You are not whining. What you are trying to do is a lot! And why shouldn't we be able to do what we do, and love, without destroying ourselves in the process? That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
I'm glad that blogging gives you a space to express how you really feel. What would happen if you tried expressing it to people in your 'real life' as well?
Good luck with the albatross and have a great weekend!
<3
Oh, no! I've been lurking on this blog for years and have enjoyed every minute of it. You defended right after I did, so I felt like we were going through the whole thing together. I can't tell you how many times you made me laugh out loud ("AA is the only planet that rotates on her side!" ... flaming the co-worker who asked about the "contents of your uterus" ... seriously!).
Don't be so down on yourself. You are trying to do so much. And I love that you are mentoring an undergrad minion. I hope she knows how lucky she is.
I know from my own experience that I had a bit of a delayed reaction after the defense ... it took a while for some of the fatigue to catch up with me. Take care of yourself.
Post a Comment