I've been feeling a little weird about my impending defense. In part because I've had zero feedback from GrAdvisor, which could mean 1) he's confident that I've got my shit together so I don't really need anything from him, 2) he's already written me off since I'll be out of here soon after so who cares, or 3) he's giving me enough rope to hang myself.
Now, 1 is the most likely answer but like most of us I'm a little neurotic. It can make for good science, but it also makes me well, a little neurotic. So I just can't dismiss options 2 and 3 out-of-hand.
Which brings me to the weird bit: I'm not freaking out about this.
Ordinarily, I would be freaking out about this. Some not-so-small part of me thinks I should be freaking out about this. I usually freak out about stuff like this, and I have well-practiced coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
I don't have coping mechanisms for not freaking out. So I don't know what to do with myself.
I had a nice relaxing holiday weekend. Great low-key meal with friends. Came to the lab only briefly to keep a few things running so I can get back to the bench when it's all over. Did some work around the house. Went running a lot with DangerDog. Took BH out to lunch. Put up the Christmas tree. Spent 2 hours putting together my talk and declared it done. Didn't freak out.
I gave a practice talk today and I will give another one tomorrow including suggested changes. It needs another run-through, but then really, truly, I'm ready. But I'm not freaking out. Which totally freaks me out.
I don't know how to deal with this. Therefore, I'm improvising. I'm not freaking out about the D-day itself, which is probably good but it feels unnatural...so instead I am freaking out about not freaking out. Phew! That feels better.