My love affair with Science began like all love affairs do - attraction, infatuation, thinking that everything is just perfect. Science was charming and exciting and fulfilled my every desire. It even surprised me, gave me nice
Then just when I was hooked, things took a sinister turn. Science dealt me a low blow. All the things that I loved about Science suddenly weren't there. The bottom fell out. The Science I knew and loved was replaced by a monster, who made promises about fantastic data and shiny publications, and then turned around and gave me failed experiments. Science told me all kinds of rotten things about myself and made me think that I didn't deserve any better. My self-esteem suffered and I thought about leaving, but my identity was so entangled in this relationship that I didn't think I could.
Then, just when I was ready to throw in the towel, things changed again. Oh, I'm so sorry, said Science. I've been such an ass. I've treated you so badly. I didn't mean it. I swear. Things will be different from now on. And they were...for a while. Experiments worked. New projects flourished. Everything was peachy.
And now I'm in the downward swing again. I've been through enough of these by now to recognize the pattern for what it is. I know if I threaten to leave that Science will come running back and apologize yet again. And I will take it back.
Science is a master manipulator. We've become unhealthily co-dependent. I know this, and I stay anyway.
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27 comments:
You nailed it!
Do you have any scary big brothers (called Politics or similar) who might be able to come over and rough Science up for you? Or at least give him a wee bit of a scare?
Kick Science's ass to the curb!! No one deserves to be treated like that! There's something out there so much better!
LOL - awesome post!
Oh spot on. Don't wait by the phone for science to call either- make sure to hang out with real life for a while instead
the same could be said for grad school.
just wait till you tell it you're officially leaving. you'll need a motherfucking helmet. i'll send you mine when i'm done with it. :P
Doubledoc - Not waiting by the phone for science to call - that's good advice.
Cath - I tend not to let brothers do my fighting for me. Mine is bigger but younger than I and I'm not sure that I'd recover my older-sister gravitas.
Mrs. CH - Is there something better out there?
leigh - shall I send you my address? I'll be wanting that helmet.
this is such an awesome post.
Awesome post. This is exactly true. But you know, Science only hits you because it loves you.
I think this is how a lot of people in my lab are feeling right now.
I've been waiting about 3 years now for Science to apologize and allow something to work. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out!
Hahahaha, this is a good one.
So true. There is no point in leaving. When you do, your mind plays tricks on you. You remember thinks as being better so you come back for more
"Science only hits you because it loves you."
Thanks for that Amanda! I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that one. It's funny because GrAdvisor has a marked propensity for giving these kinds of "pep talks". You know, "if it wasn't really really really hard, everyone would do it!" and "what doesn't kill you...makes you a better scientist". I find these pep talks simultaneously hilarious and depressingly inadequate.
Picturing Science saying things like "I'm only beating you to make you a better scientist" fits right in with that kind of dark humor. Hilarious, and sad.
SciMo - You're right - there's no point in leaving. I'll just get sucked right back in again.
EtBr - Don't expect an apology. At least not one that comes with a change in circumstance. It will never happen.
Arlenna - I wish I could give your peeps a pep talk, but well, see above.
Perfect post. I think you've described it exactly. though perhaps it is a co-dependent relationship - without us, would Science go on?
Excellent post!! We all feel like that sometimes. Momma said there'd be days like this!
NAILED IT!
Ahh science, I hate and love you simulataneously. I cannot live without you, but I hate you with a passion.
We should form a support group, "People who science kicks when they are down, but then appologizes to for being so ruthless," lol. Perhaps an abbreviation ;)
Yeah.
When Science goes to work in the Commercial world, it gets even worse. Then magical promises like the "Scientific Method" and "Objective Data" go out the window. Science starts having an affair with Client Money, and you're left home alone on a Tuesday with a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, wondering if Science really is working late, or just out with Client and Charging to Overhead.
Science has messed me up so utterly that, three years after leaving this abusive relationship, I am pining and considering taking Science back.
Personifying "Science" in this way is a load of crap! I stepped into this arena knowing it would be harder than hell and if it were an easy business, I wouldn't have bothered. I would have considered it a waste of my intellectual promise. When I'm down with the frustrations this business throws our way (whether it be mother nature not wanting to reveal her secrets, or the powers that be not wanting to fund my latests and greatest idea), I just always go back to the simple question- "Why did I choose this as a career?" The answer to that question always smacks me upside the head and pushes me forward (and I think many of us have an immediate answer to that simple question- if you don't, then perhaps internal reflection on that question might help (either to decide this is what you should be spending your time on, or if there isn't something else "calling you")?- There is a lot to figure out, and for some reason, I have an ability to figure out a small part of this that few others can, and at the heart of it is an obligation I feel to humanity. Some people have an innate abililty to serve the political arean, others the "business world"- my calling has been science and education... while there are many other options out there for myself, I really can't see that I'd be fufilling my potential in any other way- at least for now. But- that's me and all of us have our own journey to take. "Politics, capitalism, and religion"- now those are what I consider scary monsters who are always looking to kick someone in the teeth for their own self serving interest...
Randy Pausch noted the following in his "Last Lecture" that may help you:
Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things. They're there to stop people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the "other" people.
I made it through the Ph.D. ringer back in '95, and feel it was well worth the effort. So I encourage you to stick it out!
One thing to keep in mind: any significant task or job we choose to do will have challenges and aspects that we dread doing. But I'd way rather do the sucky bits for something I believe in (like science) than something I don't fundamentally care about.
Dudes - while I appreciate the intention behind your well-meaning pep-talks, the post should be read as wry humor. Sorry if that wasn't clear, but it seems that most of the commentariat got it.
Oh, I appreciate your humor (and your writing -- you've got some chops there). I just thought you could use some pep given this post and your other funk.
But @Michael is right with his remark about personifying "Science," you know. Science really hates it when we anthropomorphize it.
;-)
Well alright then Steve - thanks. And welcome to the blog, since I neglected to say so before.
As for this:
"Michael is right with his remark about personifying "Science," you know. Science really hates it when we anthropomorphize it."
If Science is gonna be like that about it, then Science can shove it up its ass. Ha!
HEY!!! Leigh, you promised ME that helmet! AA, I'll fight you for it. Your post-doc presentation vs mine. :)
Also, I think the helmet should come filled with chocolate and alcohol for sustenance.
HEY!!! Leigh, you promised ME that helmet! AA, I'll fight you for it. Your post-doc presentation vs mine. :)
Are you sure Sci? - I is in a fightin' mood at the moment. My post-doc presentation will OWN your ass - Ha! (How's that for bouncing back from my funk??) If you're planning on getting out before November you can have it until then and send it my way when you're done - then we don't have to fight.
Also, I think the helmet should come filled with chocolate and alcohol for sustenance.
YES!
I met this really hot lady named Religion. She's everything that Science was not! So mysterious, though. She keeps asking me to have faith in what she does, despite contradictions to what Science once told me. She said there's candy and a pony at the end of it all, too! Maybe you should meet her?
Not amused, Harris.
So very true. But what makes it all the worse are the parasites...er...I mean administrators whose politicking makes a difficult relationship unbearable. I teach at a community college now. I love it.
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