Underwhelmed

I got a postcard from my graduate school saying that I am eligible for some kind of tax credit. I look up the qualifications...yep, that's me. Oooohhhh, a maximum of $2500 per student depending on how much it cost you to go to school!! I am positively giddy!!

I tried doing the calculation myself but there's all these boogery forms (seriously, at least 3 of them requiring cross-referencing of figures from one to the other with arbitrary arithmetic in between). Become convinced that I will likely drop a decimal place somewhere and then get audited. So I decide to see what one of those free e-file sites will get for me.

Drum roll please.....

$4. Yes, four. What the boogery forms neglect to tell you is that if you are in graduate school, as opposed to your bachelor's degree, the vast majority of your expenses don't count. Even more so if you're in a grad program that pays you a stipend. Nevermind that you still had to take student loans to make ends meet.

Actually, they do tell you this, but only after you've filled out three different forms, double and triple checking your math as you move numbers from one to the next.

So, woooooo! I will be $4 richer than I otherwise would be for about 2 hours of trying to sort out all the forms. That's way less than minimum wage. Isn't the IRS liable for that?

On a more positive note, the IRS tax returns are still easier to navigate than the NIH funding website. I never thought I'd say that. Hang your head in shame NIH.

Holy Recursive Clusterfuck Batman!!

Listen NIH funding website, you need to pull yourself together. You look like a freaking databomb disaster site.

Seriously, I just spent over 3 hours trying to find the relevant info for applying for an NRSA. I got a link from the F32 general info page to my Institute, which under funding opportunities for post-docs then linked back to the same bloody F32 general info page which contained exactly zero useful information.

I tried to find the application deadlines with some success...I know when I should have submitted for each cycle....if I were applying in 2004. Since I will be applying in 2010 this is not particularly helpful, unless the same page also supplies the algorithm for projecting deadlines into the future present. However, it does not. FTLose.

I stumbled upon the pay rate table for NRSA awardees while looking for the "previously funded awards" (which I could not, for the life of me, find last week), which included the pay rates for awards in FY2009, along with a link to some blurb about % increases in stipends mandated for FY2010 by the ARRA stuff, but no hard numbers in a simple table like the one you provide for previous award years.

I thought it might be fun to recreate the virtual scavenger hunt that I've just been on via links for the amusement of my readers. But then I thought, No! That would not be fun! It would be painful! So I did not.

I did finally find the page for downloading the application, which contains the very well-noted caveat that I should ONLY use Form A if I am applying for the pre-February 4 2010 submission deadline, and that AFTER February 4, I should use "Form" not "Form A". OK, potentially confusing but I think I got it. Trouble is, the links do not provide a "Form", only "Form A", which you just told me in big bold shouty letters is now defunct.

So I figured that I'd just download "Form A" and fill it out and import to "Form" when it does become available. "Form A" appears to be one of those interactive PDFs so cool, right? Bzzzzt! NO! It's a read-only file! Despite the button at the top of the interactive PDF which opens in its own webpage and says "click here to save your info and continue later" I can neither click save nor even input any info into the required fields. Perhaps this is because "Form A" is now defunct? I DON'T KNOW! Also, there is another PDF file which provides the instructions for filling out a different required form (STF? no, you STFU!), but no PDF of the form itself, nor links to where I might find it. If I search for that form on the umbrella site, I get a bazillion hits and none of the top 10 provide the form itself nor links to it. However, I did find a page that would allow me to select all of the forms required for this particular mechanism (with the exception of the STFU form and "Form" of course) , and download them all at once. Only it didn't. Allow me to download them all at once, that is. Or even to download them individually.

Look, I know that the NIH has a lot of other more important shit to spend money on (like funding some research proposals, maybe even mine!), but balls! A trained monkey intramural intern with some web design skillz could do wonders for the efficiency and efficacy of the grant/fellowship submission process. Or even just fixing broken links,and making sure that search queries take you to the most recent info, not a stand-alone page of paylines from 8 years ago. Somebody did a great job reformatting the NCBI database, so how's about throwing your extramural funding applicants a bone here?

It occurs to me that the difficulty of the finding the required info just to submit the freaking fellowship is all a part of separating the wheat from the chaff, and also cutting down on the total number of applications that will then need to be reviewed, which may increase efficiency at the reviewing end. Any projected data on how many potential applicants just throw their hand in the air and say "fuck it!" before even submitting? I vow not to be one of them, but Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick! It's tempting.

Terminal degree for the Mars rover

This gives me flashbacks.



Comic by XKCD.

Plusses and Minusses

Plus:

At my previous institution, post-docs were classified as "trainees". Here, we are "staff". The actual differences are only nominal as far as I can tell, but hey, I'll take a little respect any way I can get it.

Minus:

Since undergrads>>grad students>>>>>post-docs here, the folks who spend much of their time dealing with/instructing UGs and GSs sometimes forget that I can manage most basic lab stuff with relative competency. "Remember: you have to store dry ice in an airtight cooler or it will sublimate." Yep, thanks, I got that one covered.

2010 goals

Now it's almost the end of January. I think you're supposed to put this stuff up at the beginning of the New Year, but whatever. I have had goals in mind for this year since the end of November but I might as well put them here.

1. Get grad papers published goddammit!! Do not allow GrAdvisor's neither-here-nor-there attitude to hinder them any longer.
2. Publish a review paper in early 2010 on post-doc project to give self a leg-up on the lit.
3. Have a data paper from post-doc lab outlined (or if very good/lucky submitted) by end of 2010.
4. Attend conference in new post-doc field. If possible present data at said conference.
5. Get a fellowship to support self's sorry ass in 2011.
6. Get DangerDog and self back in shape.
7. Go to RecCenter and work out 5 days/week. It is literally next door to the lab - no excuses.
8. Lose dissertation-fat. If loads of women out there manage to lose the pregnancy weight post-partum then surely I can get rid of the dissertation weight post-defense.
9. Run a half-marathon or sprint-distance triathlon.
10. Pay off credit card before student loan grace period expires. Eeep!

In which I am reminded that it's good to be a grown-up

The other night I was standing outside the gym waiting for my ride home. Three undergraduate men came out the doors discussing their "get ripped" strategies.

UG1: Dude, I'm totally gonna try to get a six-pack before this summer.
UG2: Yeah man, me too. But I don't wanna try too hard. I'm just gonna work out a lot and it'll happen.
UG3: Yeah, me too. 'Cause I totally wanna get laid, you know?
UG2: Ooooohhhh, shiiiiiiiii......

I must have shot them the hairy eyeball or something at that last remark because they all suddenly and simultaneously noticed me, a vagina, standing there in plain sight right next to them. To their credit, they were appropriately mortified, and after much blushing and squirming and embarrassed laughter one of them says to his buddies, "Uh, let's like walk away really fast."

I briefly considered sharing with them some important advice. Namely, that washboard abs are not a golden ticket for getting into a woman's pants, and that they'd probably have much better odds if they worked on getting rid of the douchery rather than the ab-flab. I thought the better of it though, and just said, "Stay classy dudes!"

I can't decide if I am encouraged that they were aware that they were being offensive/making asses of themselves, or disheartened that they seemed to think that their aspirations and motivations were some sort of big secret.

Eh, I'm just glad I'm not in college anymore.

A Quick Rundown on the New Gig

• Boss - Awesome! Took a few weeks to get over the getting-to-know-you awkwardness, but now I am quite pleased by our working relationship. Enthusiastic, easy to talk to. Quite a nice change from the previous.
• Lab Facilities - Generally nice, lots of windows and a nice view, newly renovated, but missing a few tricks. Why is there a line-in for tap water in the tissue culture hood but no vacuum line anywhere in the lab? Why are the -80C freezers at the other end of the building?
• Labmates - Great so far. Small lab, with lots of undergrads that come and go, nice officemates. Everyone is very helpful and seem glad to have me here.
• Admin - A little discombobulated, but very helpful solving problems. Didn't get my contract until after I started working, or the list of stuff to bring to HR on the first day until a week later, but when I ask for something specific I get an immediate (and helpful response).
• Resources - Somewhat disappointing, but I've been a bit spoiled by the flush department of my previous gig. I am still using my nearly-dead 6yo laptop because there are no lab or departmental funds to buy me a new computer. Could I get one on fellowship $$? Sure, but in the meantime, I'd be writing said fellowship on the Nanodrop workstation. So guess where that hike in my salary's going? Dell, it's your lucky day.
• Perks - Good benefits (including retirement!), cheap(!) parking (but walking distance from home), gym membership.
  
• Campus - Fantastic. So nice to be back on a college campus where other people do equally important but different things than you do.
• Project - Exciting, full of potential, but still not off the ground yet. I'm pioneering some stuff for this lab, so it's been fun, but I'm itching for some data already.